Turnips in Space is a serialized story told in 3 part episodes. This is the first episode.
In this chapter, Tome sets off to interview for a job he knows little about but desperately needs.
The small apartment was completely empty except for the young gnome and two large bags filled to the brim. He paced around the apartment for the seventh time in the past 10 minutes, moved up to the mirror and took a deep breath.
“Good morning, my name is Tome, how do you do?” he said to his reflection.
Tome shook his head in disapproval of his own greeting and then looked himself over in the mirror one last time. He fidgeted with his tie, aligning it with his shirt, but messing up the knot. As he fixed the knot, the tie moved slowly to the side. It was a nice tie, a gift from his mother. It had little stars and mushrooms on it. It was his favorite and it was supposed to help him feel better.
Tome did not feel better. He felt like he was going to throw up. He cleaned up well for a Gnome. His brown hat pushed down on his bushy chestnut eyebrows, effectively obscuring his green eyes. He wore a nice suit for the upcoming interview, his normal overalls tucked neatly in his bag, in the hopes that he could manifest getting the job on pure charisma and moxie alone. Unfortunately for him, those were two things he had in very limited supply. Like what about the time I tried out for the soccer team but got so anxious the coach didn’t understand what I was saying and I ended up as the team’s laundry boy? The memory made Tome sick to his stomach.
Don’t throw up on your tie, he thinks to himself. It’s dry-clean only.
He made another frantic trip around the empty apartment in the hopes that he had forgotten to pack something. He hadn’t. He didn’t technically live there anymore. Technically, no one lived there. Technically he didn’t live anywhere right now. And technically, the landlord felt sorry for Tome and just left the door unlocked. Technically, the landlord’s wife complained every night about things like “Squatters rights,” and “hobo life,” but technically her husband had learned to tune such things out. Technically.
Tome’s watch beeped in a soft, steady tone. Tome took a deep breath and left the empty apartment, hopefully for the last time. He maneuvered the busy city streets until he arrived at the address he was given. It took him a bit longer than he intended, dragging his large suitcases was more cumbersome than he expected and before long, he was running and tripping over himself trying desperately not to be late. Well, at least not later than he already was.
When he arrived at the address his heart sank. The meeting place was an empty lot? No, that can’t be right. Tome double checked the address. This was the place. An empty lot. Well, there was an abandoned tire with a giant hole in the side, discarded to the left. Maybe his would-be employers were tiny and living there?
Tome walked up to inspect it.
Nope, just a pile of junk. Looks like I was too late and they left without me. Again.
Before he had the chance to further bemoan his fate, a small, off-white starship began to slowly descend onto the lot, unaware that Tome was currently using it to brood dramatically. The ship’s rounded wings folded slowly upward and the oval engines turned down, scorching the ground below it, matching the scorch marks the engines themselves wore. The ship was very round, the edges smoothed and sleek despite a few scuffs here and there.
The young gnome quickly jumped out of the way, narrowly avoiding getting squished under one of the landing gears. While he lay on the sidewalk, gasping for air and trying desperately to stop his heart from leaping out of his chest, the ship’s door slowly hissed open and out walked two gnomes, a man and a woman. The man was wearing a jumpsuit and matching hat. They looked like they were orange many, many years ago but had slowly morphed into a brownish-red through years of use. The woman was much more put together, her jumpsuit a sunset pink with ‘Rosie' embroidered in flowery yellow letters over her heart. Both of them had salt-and-pepper colored hair and they each had a round patch on their sleeve that read ‘Turnip Enterprises’ on it with a picture of a turnip being orbited by a ship. Neither of them looked particularly happy.
“You better apologize to that poor boy or I swear!” the woman threatened.
“Oh, I’m sure he’s fine! Look at ‘im, just taking in the majesty of the ship now,” the man replied dismissively.
The pair reached Tome in a few quick strides before he had a chance to decide how to react. The man just stood there, legs straight, arms crossed, and scowling down at him. The woman, on the other hand, knelt down and offered Tome a hand.
“Don’t mind Root,” she said softly. “He’s had a rough couple of days and apparently that means he needs to attempt vehicular gnome-a-cide.”
She shoots her companion an icy look. His eyes widen in fear before he shifts in his place to regain his composure. The man, apparently named Root, returns to scowling down at Tome, but most of the fire behind it has already begun to extinguish. Tome takes her hand, mumbling a quick thank you as she lifts him up effortlessly.
“I’m Rosie, and this here is my husband Root. Would you happen to be Tome?” She asked.
“I am,” he replied. He looked from one face to the other, not sure what to make of the pair or the claim that they were his interviewers. He hazarded a glance at his watch which currently proclaimed the time was 10:05 through a cracked screen. “I, uh, was told to meet an expeditionary company here by the university’s temp agency. They told me the Pumpkin Practice would be here at 9 on the dot.”
“Bah! Pumpkin Practice! See, I told ya that temp lady didn’t hear one word I said over the phone. Didn’t I, Rosebud! Not one word. Pumpkin Practice….” Root shouted his indignation loudly, but as Rosie refused to give him any reaction, he slowly quieted down to a discontented grumble. “Worst part is, that’s not a bad name. Lousy alliterative…creative….rude woman.”
“Well,” Rosie says. “Regardless, we were running a bit late ourselves. If you don’t mind the current circumstances, we would love to have you hop into The White Egg and we can get on with the interview without any distractions.
Tome looked down at the muddy mess that was his dry-clean only tie.
“I’m not so sure I’m up to it anymore,” he confessed. “Would it be possible to reschedule for tomorrow?”
“Of cour-”
“Nonsense!” Root cut off his wife as he patted the young man on the shoulder, pushing him gently towards the ship. “If it’s a terrible interview then what of it? What’s the worst that could happen? We don’t hire you? Maybe we pick up a parakeet from the pet store on the way home? Oh no!” Root lets out a laugh after his mock 'Oh No” and intentionally avoids eye contact with his partner as Tome complies, letting the older gnome guide him forcefully into the ship. Am I getting gnome-napped? The thought is fleeting and too late as Tome is ushered into the ship.
The trio make their way inside. Tome tries to look around as his eyes get used to the shift in lighting. Root continues to guide him forward through the narrow hallway. The interior is relatively small. The hallway only has two doors, one on the left and the other on the right and Tome can clearly see the cockpit at the far end of the hallway. He’s quickly shoved through the doorway to the left and finds himself in a small break room that looks to have been hastily reorganized into a meeting room. There’s a small, round fold-out table taking up most of the space and three chairs set at equal distance from each other around the table. Root pushes him down into the chair nearest the door and walks past him to sit down himself. The door closes behind Rosie with a quiet hiss as she takes the last seat. She glares intently at Root as she sits. Something he was prepared for as he stared just as intently down at a stack of papers that he continuously shuffled around in his hands.
“Now, We’ll make this as quick and as painless as possible,” Root says as he avoids Rosie’s gaze. He smiles to himself as he talks. “If at any time you feel that this is too much let us know and we’ll just end the interview right then and there.”
“But don’t be worried. We wouldn’t be interviewing you if we didn’t need someone. So please don’t worry,” Rosie adds, just as much to her husband as to Tome. She continued to stare at Root. Her smile is strained but warms a bit as she ‘accidentally’ kicks Root under the table. He lets out a surprised “Ow!” and shoots Rosie an angry look. But now that he’s made eye contact with her, his smug demeanor disintegrates.
“Now,” Rosie says gently, “first tell us a bit about yourself.”
Tome puffed out his chest, trying to project confidence despite the tremor in his voice. “I graduated last month from Ceres University. Top of my class! I have a Masters in Science, with a minor in…” he stuttered, his cheeks burned with embarrassment, “criminal investigation. I don’t really know how those go together, but my parents always taught me to follow my passions and apparently that led me to hard science and gum shoeing. Probably from getting gum stuck to my shoe a lot as a kid.”
Tome laughed awkwardly as he looked back and forth between his two interviewers. After a moment that lasted an eternity where neither of them laughed with him, Tome wiped sweat from his brow before he continued.
“I am twenty-four, single, and an only child. My father passed away when I was 14 and my mother currently lives with her boyfriend that I don’t care for.” Panic, time to panic! “Nope, uh, too personal. Sorry. Can we forget I said that? Or… is there anything else you need to know?” Tome’s pitch got higher and higher as his nerves began to get the best of him. He watched Root mouth ‘hates mom’s boyfriend’ as he wrote in his notebook.
“So why do you hate your Mom’s boyfriend?” Root asked with genuine interest.
“AHEM! No, you don’t have to answer that. How do you feel about space travel and what makes you want to join a ship?” Rosie interjected quickly.
“Well, I’ve always been fascinated by Outer Space. Ever since I was a little boy,” Tome was thankful that he didn’t have to answer Root’s question. He naturally perked up. “It’s one of the things that brought me to science. Even with all of our technology and knowledge, there’s still so much about the universe that we still don’t know! I would love to have the opportunity to study the mysteries of it and see it first-hand.”
“That’s good! See, Root? You two probably have a lot more in common than you thought,” Rosie gives Tome a warm smile as she gently nudges Root. “How much do you know about our little enterprise?”
Tome blushes as he answers. “Well evidently not a lot. Didn’t even have the correct name.”
Root gives a mocking grunt and asks “What do you mean you have a Masters in Science? Which science? Chemistry? Physics?”
“Yes,” Tome quickly reconsiders his reply. “Um, well, I mean all of them.”
Root made a face, as if the answer pained him in some way that Tome couldn’t figure out.
“Yes, well….good for you, I guess,” he says reluctantly. “What’s your worst subject?”
Before Rosie is able to veto the question, Tome responds with “Probably chemistry. I only do it…periodically” he giggles a little at his own joke. Root just stares blankly at him, so Tome adds, “Only when I’m… in my element!”
Much to the young gnome’s surprise, Root joins him in laughing at the chemistry puns. The curmudgeonly old gnome laughs so hard that he has to wipe a tear out of his eye. Rosie, meanwhile, politely sits with the demeanor of someone who just won a bet.
“That reminds me, did you hear about when the Photon walks into a hotel?” Root asks. “He asks-he asks… for a room.” Root loses himself in laughter.
“And the attendant asks ‘Any luggage?’ and the Photon replies, ‘Me? Nah, I’m traveling light’” Tome finishes the joke for them and they both break out in uproarious laughter.
Rosie waits as the two gnomes make increasingly cheesier science jokes with no sign of stopping. Eventually, she interjects and asks Root,
“Sweetheart, it’s getting late. Don’t you think we should ask the young man when he’s available to start?”
“Oh, yes! Of course! So, what do you say? Do you need to go back and handle any business before we go off world?”
Tome stares at the two of them in shock for a moment.
“No! I mean, yes! I mean… oh dear. I would love the job! I don’t need to go handle anything. I… Oh no! I need my bags, I hope no one stole them off the street.”
“I brought your bags in for you, dear,” Rosie says gently. “If that’s it then I think it’s time to go. I placed your bags over there by that door. Once you get yourself situated, why don’t you come with us to the cockpit? The weather is supposed to be especially beautiful today.”
With that, the pair of gnomes moved to the flight controls leaving Tome to wonder if he was still in bed and this was all just an elaborate dream. Like that one time he dreamed he had superpowers and used them to change all the clocks to be an hour later than they were. He had a mini existential crisis when he woke up and didn’t trust any time-telling devices. His professor was not amused.
In the cockpit, Root and Rosie conversed quietly.
“So… Don’t we think we might have been a little harsh with him?” Rosie asks.
“I still think we should have just gotten a cat,” Root responds.
“You’re allergic to cats,”
“Yeah well…something. He’s no replacement.”
“I know. He’s not meant to be. No one could.”
“Well… good.” Root says with finality as he gets The White Egg’s engines warmed up and the craft begins to lift off. “He seems like a good kid, though”
“Who’s a good kid?” Tome asks as he enters the cockpit and takes a seat in the back. Root jumps at the sudden presence of the new guy and starts fiddling with random dials and switches.
“Uh… our nephew. Way smarter than you. He’s a doctor.” Root lied. “Strap in, we’re about to be out of the atmosphere soon.”
The ship rattled as they shot up into the sky. Once they’ve left the atmosphere, Tome lets out a quiet “woooooow”
“It’s pretty isn’t it?” Rosie says.
Outside, they are surrounded by dancing lights of all different colors that blink in and out of existence. They pop like mini incandescent fireworks and appear and disappear with no discernable rhyme or reason. Tome stared at them, transfixed by their beauty.
“Are those… they aren’t stars. What are they?” Tome asks as he unstraps himself and gets as close to the window as he can.
“We don’t know. I’ve been calling them Space Fireflies. But I don’t think they’re alive. I’ve been trying to catch one in a jar but they’re illusive buggers.” Root lets out a longing sigh. “Anyway, that’s a problem for a different time. Let’s get you to The Turnip so you can meet the rest of the crew!”
Thank you for reading!
NEXT ISSUE coming 5 July!
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