The Tale of Captain O'Hare

A Ghost Pirate story told in three drinks

This is a story I wrote that was meant to be an introduction to a Dungeons and Dragons character that I never got to play. So here’s to the great Captain O’Hare, may you find adventure out there one day.

Bonus points if you can figure out what his character build was supposed to be!

Photo by Zoltan Tasi on Unsplash

What do you do with a drunken Sailor

What do you do with a drunken Sailor

What do you do with a drunken Sailor

Ear-lie in the Mornin’

The sea shanty wafted its way through the misty streets of Daggerford late in the night. From inside the The Happy Cow Tavern, it started as an almost eerie whisper on the wind but it slowly grew to a boisterous roar. At the song’s crescendo, the bar doors crashed open. Patrons and barmaids alike looked up to the door only to find a giant, furry foot stepping into the establishment. 

The creature that walked through the door stood nearly 8 feet tall. His matching blue jacket and hat had a border of gold trim around the edges that frayed at the end. His outfit outclassed only by his adorable leporine face that worked very hard to look stoic and brave. Every so often his adorable button nose twitched, ever so slightly, causing his whiskers to bounce and jolt around his face. 

As the half-empty room began to go about their business, the long-eared man made his way to the bar. He carefully put his hat on the counter, slicked back his giant ears with his hand and turned to the bartender. 

“Aye, Barkeep! Pour me a tall glass of yer finest and I’ll tell ya the tale of how I lost me eye out at sea,” He says, pointing to a face with two green eyes perfectly in place. 

“But Captain!” comes a voice from somewhere in the back of the room. “It was ol’ One Eyed Willy that done lost his eye at sea. I remember, on account of him missin’ his eye and us all callin’ him ‘One Eyed Willy’ after that.” 

The so-called Captain stood perfectly still for just longer than a standard moment, his nose twitching angrily. He then turned around to find the room filled with a spectral crowd. The ghost that spoke up was a particularly slow-looking Turtle sitting at one of the tables, pointing to an apparition in a far booth who looked uncomfortable with everyone staring at his eyepatch. 

“What are y’all followin’ me in here for?” The Captain demanded. 

“It’s alright Cap’n,” One Eyed Willy said. “You can tells people that it be you that lost yer eye. I don’t mind much.” 

“Ah,” The captain said, brushing the ghostly crew off with his hand as he turned back to the bartender who was slowly pouring his drink. “I got other stories, don’t you worry. Like the time I lost me leg wrestlin’ a shark!” He exclaims lifting up a, once again, altogether whole and unbitten leg. 

“But that wasn’t you neither, Cap’n!” The turtle responded again. “That was Peg Leg Pete. I ‘member on account of-”

“Shut yer Gob, Donnie!” The captain shouted back at him, clearly upset that his stories keep getting interrupted. “Lose one little foot race an’ all of a sudden they no e’erything.” he mutters to himself. 

“Tell ‘em about how you were cursed by the Sea! Everyone loves that story.” Donnie says, unfazed by his captain’s remarks. The cursed crew all voice their agreement at the idea and the Hare shoots them a nasty glance. 

“Barkeep,” He said as he’s served his drink. “Do ya know what a pirate’s favorite letter be?” He takes a swig of his ale as if to give the man a moment to think before continuing. 

“Ya see, most people think it be the letter ARRR,” at which point the ghostly listeners join in with a rowdy “ARRR”,

“But a pirate’s true love is the SEA!” He drives his point home with a fist pounding into the bar and his crew yelling in agreement. 

“And that’s why I set out to do the most daring thing any pirate could ever imagine. I took my crew to s-”

“Steal the heart of the sea!” Donnie said, cutting the captain off. 

“Donnie! Shut up! The world don’t stop and start at yer beck an’ call!” the captain shouts angrily.

“Yes, to steal the heart of the sea.” He let out a sigh as he attempted to rouse the excitement back into his tale.

“For ya see, she had already stolen my heart. So it only seemed fair.”  

“So there we were, out at sea!” He continued, dramatically stretching out his hand, as if to show the trajectory of his ship. 

“We had many an adventure out there. From the shores of Zanzibar, fighting the Zanzibarbarians, down to the shallow waters of Neverland where we picked up little Jake, here.” The Pirate Captain points to a young, elfish ghost who proudly shouts out, “A pirate never takes anything that doesn’t belong to them!” 

The rest of the crew groan and the Captain himself rolls his eyes. “I apologize, he’s still gettin’ the hang of what we pirates are really like. Had a lot o’ preconceived notions. 

“But anyways, finally, after years out at sea, we finally found it. It was in the middle of the night, in a terrible storm! The bell rang, and ole’ pistol pete was up in the crow’s nest shoutin’ ‘Land ho!’ Good job, by the way,” he says, turning to a rugged ghost with a pair of pistols in his hands. “But, yer asthetic don’t quite fit wit’ the fine furnishin’s of this place. I think you better disappear for a bit.” The Captain says sadly. Pistol Pete gave a half-hearted “Yarr,” as he slumped down in his chair before obediently disappearing into thin air. 

The Captain cleared his throat. “Where was I? Oh yes! There we were, in the dead of night, in the freezin’ rain. We piled into the lifeboats and we hurried ashore. The island was a paradise! Lush fruit on all the trees, gold and silver glistening in the sand. It was beautiful!” He looks off in the distance, a smile creeping slowly across his face as he remembers the island. “We slowly make our way into the heart of the island. And once we get there, we see it. Shinin’ an’ glowin’ an’ just… begging to be taken!” 

His translucent crew all shout in excitement. 

“And take it we did,” The look of pure triumph in the Captains eyes was contagious. The bartender felt a sense of pride as well. He poured the Captain another drink before pushing the feeling deep down. I’ll have to bring this up with my therapist later, the bartender notes before turning his attention back to his new patron. 

“As I pried the heart out of its resting place, the whole island shuddered. The earth quaked in protest. But I didn’ care. I had my prize!” The large rabbit raised up a fist in triumph. 

“But that’s where it all went wrong,” His face dropped and his nose twitched sadly. 

“By the time we got back to our ship, the storm was over. We had thought our luck had finally changed. Little did we know, -”

“That wicked Sea-Witch would curse us!” Cried Donnie.

“I’m gettin’ to that you spoilery son of a slug!” The Captain shouted back at his insubordinate crew member. 

“Yes, so, we get back out to sea. And there, in the middle of my beautiful ship is the most beautiful woman I have ever laid eyes on. She tells me that I’ve done stole her heart. I tell her that ye, I be the one in possession of her heart, the same as she is with mine. But then she says…” The Pirate Captain paused, eyes welling up with tears. “She says to me…”

“She told you that you be a terrible pirate,” Donnie finished for him.

“Aye,” the Captain agreed. “Why would she say that? I’m a good Captain, ain’t I?” He sobbed quietly into his tankard of ale as his crew tried to console him. 

“Aye captain, you ain’t never steered us wrong once.”

“Yeah, what, just because you inherited your ship from yer daddy don’t mean nuthin’”

“What does that dumb wench know anyway?”

“Don’t you dare call her that!” The Captain snapped at the consoling crew member. “She’s the best thing I ever did lay eyes on. And as the gods as my witness, I will have her heart back. This time, she’ll see that I am the best, most ruthless, strongest, amazing-est pirate ever! She won’t curse me crew again. And she certainly won’t tell me that I ain’t worth cursin’ meself!” 

The large rabbit stood up on his chair, placed one foot on the bar and leaned down to the bartender. “It won’t be long till the whole world be talkin’ about the daring exploits of I, Captain Peter O’Hare! Then she’ll have to love me. The way I love her.” He nodded quietly to himself. It was a good plan, he thought. 

“So anyways, I say all that to say this:” He stops and quickly chugs one final drink before finishing his statement.

“I won’t be payin’ for these drinks, boy-oh.” And with that, he let out a loud, menacing laugh. His whole, gruesome crew followed suit, slowly disappearing as they did. Then, Captain O’Hare walked proudly out of the bar, humming quietly to himself. After he left, the patrons heard Donnie’s voice trailing off in the distance, “But Cap’n! You forgot your coin purse! It’s still on the bar! Cap’n? ...Cap’n! Did you hear me Cap’n?”

Way hay and up she rises

Way hay and up she rises

Way hay and up she rises

Ear-lie in the Mornin’

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